_ Lance is taking off this week.  While I somehow doubt he has any friends or family, he claims he was celebrating Thanksgiving.  In the mean time, Lance left a translation of the week that he hopes will help you in your relationships.

_Girlfriend:  When your girlfriend asks if you can help her, she is actually testing you to see how much that you will do for her even though she can do it for herself.  If you continue to acquiesce, there is a good chance this little minx may end up your wife, when she realizes what a sucker you are.

_Wife:  When your wife asks if you can help her, what she actually means to say is.  "I want you to do this by yourself while I watch and criticize you for doing it the wrong way (which is anyway other than the way I would do it."

_Boyfriend/Husband:  Ladies, if your boyfriend or husband asks you for help, you'd better keep an eye on that "buddy" of his Tyrone.  There's a good chance they are doing more than going to play golf together if you know what I'm saying.

_Let me start this article by saying I object to the column subtitle.  I am not a five-time loser, I call it winning.  Besides, I have a hot girl named Hinata who gets naked for me every night.  Or at least she will whenever I can find the cheat codes in English.

So if you're still reading this column I suppose you want me to tell you how to keep that thing you call a relationship together.  I still think it's pointless but here are some pointers.

• Always establish blame and never accept blame for anything
• Focus on comparing yourself to your mate
• Communicate as little as possible

It's important to establish whose fault it is whenever difficulties arise or even when you find yourself unhappy.  Failure to make this important distinction will leave you on the bottom end of the totem pole.  Someone once said that in every situation there is his story, her story and the truth.  I think that's silly.  If try to see things from your partner's perspective, then you might actually begin to feel empathy and worse yet, you might even admit you were wrong.  Obviously being perfect, you've never actually been wrong.

Which brings us to comparisons.  You've always been perfect, right?  You're partner has put on a few pounds and really let themselves go.  Meanwhile, you go to the gym three times a week, only eat protein shakes. You're looking better than ever! 
More importantly, your partner just isn't the same person you fell in love with.  They've become cold and distant while you have just been a ray of sunshine.  Here you are, you've forgiven every slight, you hug them even when they irritate you, you go out of your way to praise and encourage them every single day. You frequently go above and beyond offering to help them with the work you normally expect them to do, so what are they so cranky about?

_Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Lance. If you're wondering about my credentials, my cousin's roommate's father is a psychiatrist plus I've been married and divorced five times. If that doesn't qualify me to give relationship advice, I don't know what would.

_The first question I'd like to tackle is when to throw in the towel.  That's an easy one, now!

_Look something like fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. If there's one thing I learned in school it was to follow the crowd.

_There is no hope for you. I mean if God thought marriage was important he would have mentioned it in the first couple chapters of the Bible, right?

_Sure you'll lose everything you've built over the past few years and your children will resent both of you, but it's worth it to be free right?  Besides, if the next relationship doesn't work, it will be even easier for you to quit that one too.

_Eventually you'll realize that all relationships are too much work and you can enjoy life alone with your pet and the internet chat rooms.

However if you insist on staying in your dead-end relationship, Next week I will begin to give you some advice on the best ways to make it happen.  Take it from me, I'm an expert!

I am so excited that Lance has agreed to start a weekly column here on my website.  I hope you will find his words of wisdom enlightening.  P.S. This site does not endorse any of the views expressed in this column.  Any loss from following Lance's advice will be written off to a failure to understand irony.